
Late in February 2016, Grandma and I were talking alone in her living room when I spotted a vase of flowers on a side table and said they were pretty.
“Grandpa gave them to me for Valentine’s Day,” she said. “They were a week late.”
My mouth started to form into a surprised ‘O’ as she looked me square in the eye and added with a giggle, “Don’t tell him.”
When you love someone – as she had him for more than 74 years – you forgive them their faults and oversights. You become increasingly willing to bear all things. Endure all things. Seek your own interests less.
We know this. Writ large or very, very small, in one way or another we have all experienced love, and our souls yearn endlessly to find the consummate, unending experience of it, where we are fully caught up – cherished and known – by the One who has loved us perfectly from the very beginning of our creation.
As St. Paul so eloquently explains at the end of his definition of love, “At present, I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known. So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” (1 Corinthians 13:12-13)
Love is without question – the greatest.
And it can be passionate, expansive, life-giving, and life-transforming.
But…
When Valentine’s Day rolls around and pictures of cherubs and candy hearts are everywhere…Well, I don’t know about you, but most years, I’m not really feeling it. I want to celebrate the holiday about as much as I want to hang wallpaper from a ceiling.
That is, until I re-frame the picture and consider HOW it is I’m called to love my beloved.
My husband and I have been married for 20 years, but I probably did the best job selecting a Valentine’s Day gift for him on our very first Feb. 14th together.
We’d only been dating for about 3 weeks, riding around in his battered Geo Prizm, which he’d bought just after college graduation. I chatted with my very new boyfriend about our entry-level jobs and trying to live cheaply in D.C., and came to understand that we were alike, working hard to prove our worth. There was little time or attention paid to things like a car’s interior.
And while sitting in the passenger seat, I noticed two knobs were missing from his car’s climate controls – one for air and the other for temperature. This didn’t seem to bother him; he just used his fingers to turn what was left of the plastic tube inside each space to make necessary changes. But I wondered…
So, shortly before Valentine’s Day I walked into the local Geo dealership’s parts and service department and explained the situation.
“I don’t suppose you would have these knobs, would you?” I asked sheepishly of a guy in a royal blue baseball cap. He looked in the stockroom and returned with two black pieces wrapped in clear cellophane bags.
“That will be $6.00,” he said, grinning. I dug a five and a one out of my purse, dazzled by the serendipity of the moment.
That Valentine’s Day, my brand-new boyfriend sent me a dozen long-stem roses at my office and took me to dinner in Georgetown. He went the BIG and impressive route, and I went absolutely gaga. I felt like royalty.
And for him?
I told him to close his eyes and hold out his hands, and when I pressed a small plastic knob into each one, he whooped with joy and hugged me tight. I could be wrong, but I don’t think he’s ever again responded with such enthusiasm to a gift.
As I look back now, I see that first February as foundational in our relationship, because we had mysteriously figured out HOW to love one another well.
My husband gave openly and generously. Consequently – I felt cherished.
I noticed a need in his life and filled it. Consequently – he felt known.
Without planning it, both of us focused our efforts on meeting one of two core human desires: 1) to be cherished and 2) to be known.
Now yes, I admit, we were dating. The endorphins were on full blast. Everyday life isn’t quite the same.
But what we did then by happenstance, anyone can do today with intention.
We can all ask for divine guidance to love as God intends – unselfishly, with hope and endurance.
We can all learn to open our hearts to what’s new – what’s there for us to appreciate right in the moment.
My husband still gives me flowers, and I still feel honored and adored every time he does. And I continue to notice things about him. To me, he smells of sunshine in warm, spring woods. He always asks if the dogs and kids have been fed before dishing up his own plate.
Over two decades, we have learned the fundamentals of love and continue to practice them as best we can. The sustained efforts add up, little by little, day by day.
As I said, with the help of Providence, anyone can love like this, because we are wired for love. Created for it by Love Himself.
Love means caring more about the other person than you do about yourself. It means taking note. It means embracing. It means acceptance.
How does all this translate into a Valentine’s Day gift for my husband?
That’s for me to know, and him to find out, but I doubt I’ll ever find a better one than two plastic knobs.
Poignant and beautiful. A good reminder to me after almost 55 years to work a little harder to make sure he knows he is cherished and known.
Kay – Hey beautiful lady! I’m glad you liked it, and congratulations on 55 years! What a wonderful achievement! You are clearly loving well, and I hope you enjoyed the holiday. I’m sorry for the late reply. Big hugs and many blessings for the years ahead together. – Gretchen
Beautiful
Many thank yous, my friend, for all of your support.
Well Gretchen, as usual we have brought tears to my eyes. I loved your story of your first Valentine.
Marty – Well, tears are a big compliment! Thank you! And I’m sorry for this late reply. It’s been a busy week. Thank you for reading and for your continued support. Love you, cousin!
I seriously needed to read this as I have been secretly dreaded V day this year. This was so inspiring and reminded me of the little ways we can show love that have a huge impact. Thank you for the beautiful story you shared.
Lorraine – I’m so glad it touched your heart, and I’m very sorry for the late reply. Valentine’s Day can be a dreaded holiday for many, many people. There’s pressure to make it so much more than it ought to be. Love is just about showing up and being there for one another in small day-to-day ways, and you are well-equipped to do that already. Never lose hope, my friend! Big hugs.
Absolutely the best – that describes you and your blog dear Gretchen. I’ve always felt so connected by our hearts, just wish we’d had more time to be more connnected in person! I wish I knew your children (and they knew me) on a personal level as I think they’re very special too.
Oh Wendy – thank you so much. You are the sweetest. I’m sorry it has taken me this long to reply. It’s been an awfully busy week, but I deeply appreciate your continued support and friendship. I would love to get together. Thank you again.